Ah yes, it's that time of year again. You know, the one where we celebrate one's day to have been dropped on this rock we call Earth For me that day was 44 years ago now and honestly, I'm not really celebrating it. Why..? Well, our son is on holiday right now and my wife and I can't really be long in along people. So we decided to invite only a couple of close relatives and some good friends... And then there's cake as well! Yesterday I made a New York Cheesecake and I hope it'll be a good one. I had the recipe already a long time printed and it was smudgy, but I don't remember ever making it. It does look good already, though that's not really telling much

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Being highly sensitive also causes me to react differently on food and drinks where other people do not respond to at all. In the past there have been some combinations of food and/or drinks that really made me sick and it looks like I've found an other one. The new one is one that I already had an idea of, and it's one of my favorites: chocolates (you don't need to be female to enjoy the rich taste of chocolate and eat lots of it ). But the weird thing is that this allergy comes with a 'twist'. In the past I thought I was allergic to Swiss chocolate (they do have a slightly different recipe), but that was not the case, because some kinds I could eat without problems while others I could not eat and sleep very badly and have a splitting headache the next day. I already figured that Swiss chocolate with berries would be the one causing problems, but I was wrong... A friend of us had her b-day yesterday and made some chocolates herself from a British recipe. It was with nuts and berries and a lot of butter (they were really yummy). Eating them was no problem at all but the next night and this morning were like hell for me - I even thought to call in sick for work... During the night I woke up 2 times with a splitting headache running through the hole left side of my face. It was really horrifying and it kept me awake for hours Not to mention I felt like I was running a high fever as well... Waking up this morning, the headache was gone, but it had been replaced by a huge nuisance and still that feeling of a running fever and I ran to the toilet every couple of minutes because of diarrhea (that's why I thought to call in sick for work). Taking two aspirins and a good hot shower did work and in a bit over an hour I was feeling a lot better already. An other chocolate allergy is a bit more 'dangerous' and still not sure that I have it. I spoke with my mother about the symptoms early this week, that I felt like I was about to faint and (probably) having low blood sugar. Taking a whole roll of dextro helps at those moments (I always have one with me when I work, just in case), but after half an hour or so. Oddly, my mother had the same problem from time to time and she found out that when she drinks coffee and eats (or drinks ) chocolate that it would happen to her. Thinking back of last Monday, I indeed did have coffee (have it every day) and took a sandwich with chocolate. The rest of the week I didn't take chocolate with breakfast and didn't have the fainting feeling later that day...

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It's been what..? 2 years ago since I was scripting last time? With the upcoming changes for both this blog and the old Pages from Sages site, I had to make a start on scripting again. Though I haven't written a word in PHP so far yet, I am doing some work for an old acquaintance of mine first... He's renting a house in beautiful Drenthe and has a site for it, which his son used to keep up to date. Well, he doesn't have the time to maintain the site anymore and I was asked if I could do hard needed updates. And the updates are needed indeed... The rental prices on the site are from 2010, the boat (used to be in Friesland) has been sold already, and basically half the site has to be revamped. Early this week we met at my house and went through all the changes he wanted for the site and gave me some new pictures to be included. Since the site is in plain HTML, I estimated the work on 90-120 minutes and have set the price to €50 (or a bottle of 18 year old Glenfiddich, at which he'll help me drink ). So far I've been working 75 minutes on the site and have done the main revamp (new index page) already and done the major part of the page where the rental prices were. I think at this rate the 2 hours I estimated as maximum is quite right. When this page is done, I'll turn my attention to my two sites. First off make a nice reroute screen for the Pages from Sages domain and start to work on the new guild-forums in the background. Meanwhile I'll also be updating the original blog scripts, because there are still some annoying bugs there that I want to have fixed as well as some updates/additions that I think should have been there 2 years ago already. There is a down side though... The last 2 days I woke up with severe headaches again. I hope it's not a result of me trying to concentrate on some brain-crunching work. I mean, if HTML is already giving the headaches, what will PHP/MySQL do with me then..?

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It's probably the time of year why I'm not feeling too well lately... Last couple of weeks I've had an extreme amount of chaos in my head. And with "extreme amount" I really mean an extreme amount, up to making errors on anything I do. The 'highlight' of this period was early last week when I had the feeling that there was a constant pull on the back of my head. It's the same feeling that I have when someone is 'walking across my grave'... Then there's also the mental depression. Though not as bad as I've had earlier this year, but still bad. Negative thoughts razing through my head and though I try to stay positive, I can't kick those thoughts out. Luckily, the negative thoughts and the chaos were not at their peak together... And then there's tiredness. It's almost as it I'm in need of the power of the sun to 'flourish'. Now with the sun being less powerful and with shorter days, my tiredness is growing as well. This combining with the 40km a day I cycle for my work makes things rather hard on me, and because of that I'm off to bed early every day. But still, there's no resting when I go to bed. Yes, I do sleep, but I'm still not dreaming, meaning rest is not really coming to me I hope it's only a period I'm going through and I even more hope that it's over soon. Also because with the coming holidays, it'll be very busy with x-mas cards and I do need to be rested then for sure...

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I've never been a real big reader of books - or comics for that matter. By now I know why that is: a short concentration span due to my ADD. The only books that really could get me focussed when reading were those related to fantasy *duhuh* Needless to say that I have almost all books from Tolkien as well as a couple of pockets from TSR (creators of Dungeons & Dragons). The last thing I remember reading though was something quite different: Earths Children by Jean Auel. These books are semi-fictional about a girl (at the start of the series) who lives 35.000 years ago in the last ice-age. Though based on historical facts, it's mostly fiction. When we moved from Amsterdam to Alkmaar and I had to travel 60 minutes by train, I started to read these books. Books 1 tru 3 went very quickly (for me that is - it took me a year to read all 3 of them ), but when I started on book 4, fate struck and I had my 2nd burnout (we're now at the end of 2005). I did try to continue to read it, but it was no use and I put the book aside... Recently, I picked up the book again (literally) and put it in the bedroom for when I was tired but not sleepy. To start, I went back a couple of pages as reminder of what had happened before I put it aside. Then it hit me how long it was since I last read a book... As always I use something close as bookmark. This time it was a receipt of our local grocery. Though time the ink was faded, but I could make out the date of when it was printed: early 2006. This would imply that I haven't touched a book for over 6 years Now I'm enjoying the read again, but I'm not going fast though. A couple of pages a week only, but it's a start. Would this mean that I'm near the end of my last burnout of October 2009..?

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This afternoon I had my last appointment with my shrink. Though our last couple of sessions were quite 'empty' already, she wanted me to keep coming for a 'just in case' scenario. Not to mention, since the health-care insurance had already agreed for my sessions till early October this year (and the sessions are free!), then why would I not keep going to her..? This time I had to fill out a list of 45 questions on how I'm doing psycho-social, -mental and -physical. I answered them all truthfully, and with the start of the session, she showed me the results. No surprises there - I'm still not okay mentally and physically, but oddly enough, my 'social skills' were 'okay', but the scores were quite close to the red spectrum though (guess that's the ADD taking over of the Asperger Syndrome ) She also told me (once again) that the GGD (Dutch Mental Health Care) can't really help me with my triple 'handicap'. The GGD is only treatening one 'handicap' at a time, and people like me having multiple of them are in bad luck and have to hope that the one they're treated for will do well. In the case of me, being treated for ADD, and hoping the medication (ritalin) will do it's work (for which I am allergic ). Good thing is that she thinks I'm still doing well, dispite all the 'bad results' from the test I made today. Yeah, I still have problems, both mentally and physically because of my 'handicaps'. But because of the Asperger Syndrome, I am able to things in their right perspective and not go completely nuts (though it does feel like it at times...) So, no more shrink for me anymore, and I now have to do it all by myself. If I do need help again in the future, I can visit my doctor and ask for it. Lets hope that day won't come again. The last few years have been very tough for me, and I don't want it to happen again...

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With my new postal routes, I clearly make more km's a day than before. Okay, I'll make an extra hour a day as well (which is what I wanted), but the down side is a more severe tiredness than before Where in the past I used to work an average 2 1/2 hour a day, now I'm on 3 1/2 hour a day. This while in the past, the last 45 minutes was a route that I had to walk (center of Alkmaar), while both routes I have now are pure cycling routes.  With this extra daily exercise (yeah, I get paid to sport ) you'd expect that I'd loose more weight, but the opposite is true. The last 3 months I've lost 8kg (weighting a 92kg, which is about the maximum for my length before I get in the 'danger zone'), and the last week (after a couple of extreme eating-kicks) I gained a kilo instead.  I know, these eating-kicks are the same as I had when I started as mailman. My body is using more energy all at a sudden and needs to compensate for it. I expect that the urge for extra energy will diminish in a week or so. Down side though is that I'm also more tired than before. Even with the eating-kicks I have, my body still is overly tired. Where I used to get sleepy around 11.30pm, now I go to bed an hour earlier already. And for once, I sleep through the night (still not resting and dreaming though ) and wake up late (well, for me) around 6.30pm. Also when I get back from work, I either take a nap before or after dinner. If before, I go to bed and am able to rest for a small hour. When I take the rest after dinner, I just doze off on the couch when watching tv...

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Today was my last round for the industrial-area of the Boekelermeer in Alkmaar, as well as the small route I have in the center. I have asked many times in the past for an extra route to get more hours, but because of the vacation it was not really possible to get it done This Monday I asked once again, and to my stunning surprise I was offered a route in the industrial-area of Bergermeer. This sounded well, but it would mean that I'd have to cycle from the most northern part of Alkmaar (Bergermeer) to the most southern part (Boekelermeer). My supervisor saw the problem as well, and offered me the 2nd route of the Bergermeer as well. This means that as of tomorrow I'll have the whole northern industrial-area of Alkmaar to cycle. Where the Boekelermeer was a route of around 25km, the 2 new routes I get will be even bigger together. I have already peeked on the map, and it ends in a real long road that's going straight through the polder with on both sides farms. I estimate that starting tomorrow my daily cycle-route will be around 60km, if not more Of course, since tomorrow will be my 1st day in the Bergermeer, I'm assigned a 'mentor' (a colleague who's done them both before) who will lead me through both routes, so that I'll get familiar with it. Can't wait to start tomorrow! Though I already know that by the end of the day I'll be extremely tired

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Oh yeah, it was bound to happen. My general condition has been improved a lot the last 2 months since I started my job as a mail-man. I think the most important reason is that my main district is Alkmaar's industrial area, known as the Boekelermeer. I bring around the mail on an extremely old bike (it's build in 1981 ) which my mother gave me. And because this bike is so old, I can push it's limits on weight I carry around with it. Okay, the above picture was taken with 5 bags of mail I carried around, but it was more bulk than actual load Where in the past I had trouble to cycle for the 3 to 4 hours of work a day, even while I was cycling in the lowest gear (yes, this old bike has 3 gears on it...), these days I have no problem at all, cycling with a load as pictured above in 2nd gear, and at times even in 3rd gear. Not to mention, brining around the mail in the Boekelermeer (a 25km route BTW) I did in the past in a bit over 3 hours on Wednesday (probably the least post available on that day). These days, the same amount of post I do in 2 hours and 15 minutes... But the best has yet to come... Aside from this mail-man's bike, I also have an all-terrain bike, a Giant X-1500. This is a very sportive bike with 24 gears total, allowing me to cycle fast. Oh heck, who am I kidding... The last 4 years I haven't hardly touched it just because my condition was so bad... But today I had to go to Heerhugowaard, which is a 30 minutes ride from my house. Well, it used to be a 30 minutes ride. Today I took the X-1500 and drove there in 20 minutes. And best of all, where in the past I had trouble to get the front gear to it's 3rd and keep it on speed, today I had no problem at all. Before I knew it, I was in the 2nd highest gear and speeding like crazy. Best of all, that trip to Heerhugowaard was after a day's work... Damn, it really felt good to ride that X-1500 again. I'm tempted to call a friend of mine and hold him on his old promise to cycle some more (he has an office job and wants to build on his condition) and make a weekly round together. Too bad my schedule this week doesn't really allow to make that trip

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It's now 3.20am and I just woke up feeling after I felt a pressure on me in my sleep and a severe pressure in my lower back, precisely on the place where I used to have a back-pain, as well as a feeling that something held my right arm and leg tight to the bed (I was lying on my left side) The pressure in my lower back was different this time and I had a real unearthly feeling all over me. This was around 3.07 that I realized that I woke up and was not alone in the bed. At first I thought it was our recently deceased cat that was with me, because I stood on her grave in the garden earlier today and felt a tingling sensation there and had to step away from it to rid it. But it was not her... When I opened my eyes and started to wake up, I started to see the silhouette of a face near me, and more the eyes. Those eyes were evil, and I knew I was in trouble right then! I could not move at all and got real scared at first, but I knew I had to send it away. It took me a lot of strength to concentrate on the evil eyes I saw near my and send it away from me. I think it and around 3.11 I managed to get the entity off of me, but I saw it was still near to me. It took an other minute or two before it finally left. The last few seconds I saw something that I can only describe as a small transparent flame that was flickering about 50cm away from me before the entity disappeared. ...this was not the 1st time I realized that an entity was trying to enter my body... In 2001 when I went through some real bad time, I've been touched by an entity and it gave me new energy. Perhaps I had a feeling then that some would describe as the "I saw God"-feeling, but I'm too down to earth to tell that (wish I had my eyes open then to see what was actually touching me). In 2004 I've had an foreign entity INSIDE me and that was in the house of my parents in-law that we were renovating at the time. Though I didn't like this sensation then, luckily that entity didn't feel evil but rather curious and scared. After I explained what we wanted to do with the house that entity left and all was fine. But what was the same back then and just now is the afterward sensation I had all over my body. It's goosebumps from top to toe and a constant streaming of energy all over my body. And that feeling still remains with me, even 10 minutes after I started writing this post. Yeah, I'm sure that something evil was around me this time and tried something with me and I am glad I did manage to fight it off.

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